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Ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back |
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30 Reasons why Dogs are better than Wives or Girlfriends
1. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
5. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
6. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
7. A dog's parents never visit.
8. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
9. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
10. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
11. Dogs seldom outlive you.
12. Dogs can't talk.
13. Dogs enjoy petting in public.
14. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24-hours a day.
15. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
16. Dogs like to go hunting.
17. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
18. If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you.
19. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died would you get another dog?"
20. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for free.
21. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
22. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
23. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.
24. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they just think it's interesting.
25. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
26. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
27. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.
28. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
29. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.
30. If a dog leaves, it won't take half your stuff.
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Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there. When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. 'Ok Roy give me the bottle opener' 'I didn't bring it' says Roy.'I thought you packed it'. Mick gets worried, He turns to Andy, 'Did you bring the bottle opener?'. Naturally Andy didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise. Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock and shouts. 'I KNEW IT'......I'M NOT F***ING GOING NOW!
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A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing. "The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you swear after me, ok?" "Ok, Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "I'll have some of that Weetabix $hit" *SMACKK*!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be f**king Weetabix."
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An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up and sat down next to him. The young man had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, blue, yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring at him.The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?" Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
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Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.
Q. How do you get a piper out of a tree?
A. Cut the noose.
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I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door...There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test. Abby, should I tell my fiancee what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character? Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?
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Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the
hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came
to visit him.
"And how do ye find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps
banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams
all night."
"Oh Donald! How do ye manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?"
"Mother, I do nothing. I ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."
Go To Jokes Index
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Q. What's the difference between a piper and a walrus?
A. One squeals a lot and the other is a walrus.
Q. What's worse than a bagpiper?
A. Two bagpipers.
Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.
Q. Why do bagpipers always walk when they play?
A. To get away from the sound.
If you took all the bagpipers in the world and laid them end to end-it would be a good idea.
Piper: "Did you hear my last performance?"
Neighbour: "I hope so."
Q. Why do pipers have such large families?
A. Their wives will do ANYTHING to get them to stop playing.
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Bagpipes were invented by the Irish and given to the Scots.
The Scots just never got the joke.
I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant,
asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equalled the purity of sound
achieved by the pig.
* Alfred Hitchcock
Thank God, there is no odour.
* Oscar Wilde
Go To Jokes Index
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe
and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee
in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a
tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you
were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring
sensitive.
“Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us
in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued...
"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said,
''Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said...... "I would have got out today."
Go To Jokes Index
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A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from pest-control company. One afternoon
they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!", and she pushed him in the closet stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the
closet. "Who are you?" he asked him. "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said,........
"Those little b***ards."
Go To Jokes Index
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We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules:-_ Please note...these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don't try to change that.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become
null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or
angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.Peach, for example, is a fruit,
not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know
you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Sex,
Sport, or Cars.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight,
but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education!!
Go To Jokes Index
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As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said
all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be
true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor panty
hose hung sadly empty and grew increasingly threadbare.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and a fake beard and went in
search of aninflatable love doll. Of course, they don't sell those things at Wal-mart. I had to go to an
adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse
yourself. I was there almost three hours saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!"
"Who owns that?" "Do you have their phone number?"
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll suitable
for a night of romance that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool
lane during rush hour. I'm not sure what a complicated doll is. Perhaps one that is subject to wild mood
shifts and using a French accent for no reason at all. (That also describes a few ex-girlfriends.)
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line,
according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I figured
the "vibro-motion" was a feature Jay could live without, so I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at
the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on
the plan and cleverly left the front door key hidden under the mat. In the wee morning hours, long
after Santa had come and gone, I snuck into the house and filled the dangling panty hose with Louise's
pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby
tray. Then I let myself out, went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had
made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. He would bark, start to walk away, then come
back and bark some more. I suggested he purchase an inflatable Lassie to set Rover straight. We also
agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they
came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. It seemed like a great idea, except that we forgot that
Grandma and and Grandpa would be there.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.
My brother quickly explained. "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept
my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. I hadn't seen any in the box, but I kept
this information to myself.
"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny
was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no on wanted to ride in the back
of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said," Hey, who's the
naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa
by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this
might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should
be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the
morning. The she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of
the sofa. The cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the
room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth rescuscitation. My brother wet his
pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a
Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's
collapse. We discovered that Lousise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went
on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of
the house.
Go To Jokes Index
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1- life sucks
2- job sucks
3- Wife does NOT!
Go To Jokes Index
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A man is dying of cancer.
His son:Asks
"Dad why you keep telling people you're dying of AIDS??"
Answer: "so that when I die, no one will dare sleep with your mother."
Go To Jokes Index
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Doctor: Sorry to inform you that you have a brain problem.
Your brain is in 2 parts... Left and right.
The left part has nothing right in it, and the right has nothing left in it"
Go To Jokes Index
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Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked,
"Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true." responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries
with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer?"
"Sure is Bubba. But why you asking?"
"Cause I was wonderin', think I could sue Budweiser for all the ugly women I've slept with?"
NB. I can understand someone suing a real brewery, but anyone who gets drunk on this feeble excuse
for beer, quite honestly deserves everything they get.
Go To Jokes Index
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Question:
"what's the similarity between a good-looking, faithful, rich husband who satisfies his wife every night
and Bin Laden?"
"BOTH CANNOT BE FOUND"
Go To Jokes Index
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On the first day of their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and,
With great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down
on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied,
"Because it's Lent."
Almost in tears, she remarked,
"Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!
Who did you lend it to, and for how long?”.
Go To Jokes Index
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A Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch. So the bartender says to him, "You know you have a steering wheel attached to your crotch?"
And the pirate says, "Aaar, its driving me nuts!"
Go To Jokes Index
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I was traveling between Phoenix and Chicago the other day and south of Kansas City when a tire blew out.Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat. My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town.The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window, Need a lift?""Yes, I sure do," I replied."You a Democrat or Republican,?" asked the old man."Republican," I replied."Well, you can just go to Hell," yelled the old man as he sped off.Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question.Again, I gave the same answer, "Republican." The driver gave me the finger and drove off.I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few Republicans.The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde.She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Democrat or Republican."Democrat!" I shouted."Hop in!" replied the blonde.Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at this gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.Finally, I yelled, "Please stop the car." She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out. "What's the matter?" she asked."I can't take it anymore," I replied. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and, already, I want to screw somebody." Go To Jokes Index
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Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea,one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.Finally one day, during a tropical storm, Justin said to Christian,"I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a flash of lightning hit the water and, lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark.All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.During the next tropical storm, Justin figured that the same lightning force could change him back into a prawn.Lightning never strikes twice except in stories like these, but while he was thinking of being a prawn again, a flash of lightning struck the water next to Justin and, lo and behold, he turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark",came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house.As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back.He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again." Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked. "Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed." Wait for it !!!!! "I'm a prawn again Christian".Go To Jokes Index
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Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called rodeo. His friend says no, what is it?Well you mount your wife from the back, reach around and cup her tits with both hands.Then say, "Boy, those are almost as nice as your sisters".Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.Go To Jokes Index
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1 cup water1 cup sugar4 large eggs2 cups dried fruit1 teaspoon baking soda1 teaspoon salt1 cup bro