From the Edinburgh Fringe Festival (Annual Arts Festival in Scotland)
Dodo, Dodi, Di, Dando & DidoGlasgow SmackBlind LitterWolverhamptonCancer ResearchDyslexia
Oxygen
Girlfriends
Boots
Cats
Cry For Help
Cork
Fire Station
Employee of the month
Bear Arms
Irish Iranian
Sleeping with prostitutes
Hardware Store
Asda
self-deprecation
police dog
A beautiful Woman
Dont Mess with Kids!!!
Jonah
God
Ten Commandments
White Hair
School Photo
Blood Circulation
God Is Watching
The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died...Dido must be sh*tting herself. Colin & Fergus at the PleasanceGo To Jokes Index
My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard,but I was never smacked as a child ...well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night. Susan Murray at the UnderbellyGo To Jokes Index
Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks? Adam Bloom at the PleasanceGo To Jokes Index
My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two,'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t. Susan Murray at the UnderbellyGo To Jokes Index
A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day.She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?"I said, "All right, but we're not going to get much done." Jimmy Carr at the ICCGo To Jokes Index
I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly RoomsGo To Jokes Index
My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him.I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen. Jimmy Carr at the ICC Go To Jokes Index
You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,because eventually you get tested.She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?".And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening ... Self-raising?" Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly RoomsGo To Jokes Index
The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face. Jeremy Limb, at the Trap Go To Jokes Index
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation. Jimmy Carr Go To Jokes Index
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die.I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help". Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron Go To Jokes Index
I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating.You can take the Girl out of Cork ... Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco Go To Jokes Index
Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station.Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax. Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance Go To Jokes Index
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebodycan be both a winner and a loser at the same time. Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms Go To Jokes Index
The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears. Chris Addison at the Pleasance Go To Jokes Index
My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs. Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon Go To Jokes Index
Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs.You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well.Scott Capurro at the Pleasance Go To Jokes Index
A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please" . The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?"The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber". Steven Alan Green at C34 Go To Jokes Index
Hey - you want to feel really handsome?Go shopping at Asda. Brendon Burns at the Pleasance Go To Jokes Index
I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation* but I'm not very good at it. Arnold Brown at The Stand Go To Jokes Index
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel,then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire.They're trained for that. Milton Jones at the Underbelly
A man walked into a bar. There, he saw a beautiful, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool.
Approaching her he said, "Hello there gorgeous. How are you?"
Having already had a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said,
"Listen! I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, front door, back door,
it doesn't matter. I've been doing it since I got out of college. I just flat ass love it."
Eyes wide with interest, he said, "No kidding? I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was
a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human;
it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
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A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,
"They will in a minute."
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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked,
"Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,
"Thou shall not kill."
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One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.
She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on
her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your
hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry
or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and
then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
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The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a
copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,
'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."
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A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer,
she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would
turn red in the face.." "Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and! posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip
cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."