"Your Place To Unwind"
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"Your Place To Unwind"
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Jokes Archive #412th January 2005
Men are from Mars, Women are from VenusThe Irish daughterA little boyChristmas Carols For The Dysfunctional Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"?Well, here's a prime example offered by me, an English University professor. "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right.One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story.The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."The following was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca and Gary. ----------------------------------------------------------------STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca) At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favourite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question. -----------------------------------------------------------(Second paragraph by Gary) Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit. ----------------------------------------------------------(Rebecca) He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things round her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully. ---------------------------------------------------------(Gary) Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenceless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!" ----------------------------------------------------------(Rebecca) This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semiliterate adolescent. ---------------------------------------------------------(Gary) Yeah? Well, you're a self-centred tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of FUCKING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels." ----------------------------------------------------------(Rebecca) Asshole. ----------------------------------------------------------(Gary) Bitch. ----------------------------------------------------------(Rebecca) Wanker. ----------------------------------------------------------(Gary) Slut. ********************************************** (teacher) A+ - I really liked this one.Go To TopThe Irish daughter,Colleen, had not been to the house for over 5 years.Upon her return, her father cussed her;" Where have you >been all this time, you ingrate!Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing?Why didn't you call?You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!"The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute...""WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner!You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!""OK, Dad -as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomedmansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you,Daddy, the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus lifetime membershipto the Country Club....(takes a breath)...an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...." "Colleen, what was it you said you had become?"Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! ...Sniff, sniff""Oh! Jesus, Mary and Joseph! - you scared me half to death, Girl!I thought you said "a Protestant".Come here and give your old man a hug!"Go To TopA little boy,Opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?"With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!" Go To TopChristmas Carols For The DysfunctionalSchizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented AreAmnesia --- I Don't Know if I'll be Home for ChristmasNarcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About MeManic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and .......Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get MeBorderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open FirePersonality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You WhyObsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ......Agoraphobia --- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My HouseAutistic --- Jingle Bell Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock ..Senile Dementia --- Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and RobeOppositional Defiant Disorder --- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the HouseSocial Anxiety Disorder--- Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate. 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